Funny Christmas Jokes
Christmas has inspired lots of funny Christmas jokes. On this page we’ve brought some of those Christmas jokes for you to enjoy.
- Father Christmas: What’s your favorite Christmas story?
Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared of the Big Bad Wolf and they grow on trees!
Father Christmas: You mean ‘The Three Little Figs’.
- After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
“That’s still quite a bit,” Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
- One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. There was a romantic full moon, and Huan Cho said, “Hey baby, let’s play Weeweechu.”
“Oh no, not now. Lets just look at the moon”, said Jung Lee.
“Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Huan Cho Begged.
“But I had rather just hold your hand and watch the moon.”
“Please Jung Lee, just once… play Weeweechu with me.”
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, “OK, we’ll play Weeweechu.”
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang…
“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”
- Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!
- Three Wise Women
(as opposed to Three Wise Men)
Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise MEN?
The WOMEN would have:
– Asked directions, – Arrived on time,
– Helped deliver the baby,
– Cleaned the stable,
– Made a casserole, and
– Brought practical gifts (like diapers!)
- It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service. “Well”, said the clergyman “’I guess there’s no point in having a service today.” “Well that’s not how I see it,” said the farmer. “If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.’
- At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, “I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!” and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says “I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!”
Once again, silence for 366 days (it’s leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, “I am fed up with this constant bickering!”
- A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
- Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…”
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.” To which the little brother replied, “No, but Gramma is!”
- A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
- The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, “What do you want for Christmas?”
“Something for my mother, please.” said the young lady.
“Something for your mother? Well, that’s very thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What do you want me to bring her? ”
Without blinking she replied, “A son-in-law!”
- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
- It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened.”
- What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
- Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey – he’s always stuffed!
- Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No you can have turkey like everyone else!
- We had grandma for Christmas dinner?
Really, we had turkey!
- How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? You wake up wet!
- What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She’d go to a “re-tail” shop for a new one!
- Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
- Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
- Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
- Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
- Last year’s Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean. That’s probably why the ocean’s full of currants!
- What’s the first thing elves learn in school?
- What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play? Santapplause!
- What do you call people who are scared of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!
- What do you call Santa when he has no money?
- What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas? A rebel without a Claus!
- What do you get if you cross Santa with a flying saucer? A UF ho, ho, ho
- What do you get if you cross Santa with a gardener? Someone who likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
- And what goes oh! oh! oh?
Father Christmas walking backwards.
- What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!
- What’s red & white and red & white and red & white? Santa rolling down a hill!
- Where does Santa stay when he’s on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel
- I’m so strong I could lift a reindeer with one hand.
Yeah, but where are we going to find a one-handed reindeer?
- What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers !
- How do snowmen travel around? By iceicle!
- How do snowmen greet each other?
Ice to meet you!
- What do you call a snowman in the summer?
- What’s a snowman’s favorite Mexican food?
- Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman? You have to holow out it’s head first
- Q: What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
A: Santa Clues!
- ”I don’t care who you are, fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!”
- Sherlock’s favorite Christmas song:
“I’ll be Holmes for Christmas”
- How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
- What is green, covered with tinsel and goes “ribbet ribbet”? A mistle-“toad”!
- What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
“‘Tis the season to be jelly!”
- Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy!
- What kind of money do they use at the North Pole? Cold cash!
- I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year. That’s because it’s on my charge card statement that long!
- Why is Christmas just like another day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit!
- CHRISTMESS: Five minutes after the gifts are opened!
- What kind of music do elves like best?
- Who sings “Blue Christmas” and makes toy guitars?
- How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party? Chick to chick!