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Lyrics to Funny Christmas Songs

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Here are some funny Christmas songs. Just print out this page and get everyone into the Christmas caroling spirit!

Wreck the Malls

(To the tune of “Deck The Halls”)
by Bob Rivers

Wreck the Malls this Christmas Seasons
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Blow your cash for no good reason
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;

(Refrain)

Push your charge card to the limit;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Your checkbook now has nothing in it.
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Wreck the Malls with my friend Charlie;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Drive to K-Mart on his Harley;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;

(Refrain)

Tamper with their Muzak System
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Switch something for Twisted Sister
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

(Refrain)

Wreck the Pet Store do some damage;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Send the beagles on a rampage;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;

(Refrain)

Acting in an uncouth manner;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Drop your drawers and moon that Santa.
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

Dashing through the mall

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

(To the Tune of “Jingle Bells”)

Dashing through the mall...
On a late December day,
Through the $tores we go
Charging all the way...

Ching ... Ching ... Ching ...

Bell$ on register$ ring
Making checkbook$ light,
Oh, what fun it is to buy up
Everything in $ight!

Ching ... Ching ... Ching ...

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The kids all yell and scream
To us it sounds like anarchy
But to them it's harmony-HEY!

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The children tipped the tree
Antique ornaments smashed to bits
The kids each say "not me"

Dad goes to work each day
Engineering things for flight
But his real job is at home
Refereeing little fights

Mom drives the kids around
In an ancient Caravan
Karate, swimming, children's choir
Espresso in her hand-HEY!

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Our wish to you is that you have
A... Happy... Holi-dayyyyyyyyy.

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

The Office Christmas Party

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

(To the tune of "The Day We Went To Bangor")

Written by Bill Allen

(A chorus can be created by repeating the last two lines)

Didn't we have
A lovely time
At the office Christmas party
Drunk as a skunk
On some 'orrible plonk
Donated by the Sales Director
Dancing up close
And eyeing up those
We'd fancied all the season
While the girls and the boys
Made a terrible noise
As the booze went down

Jennifer's bloke
Had purchased some coke
And shoved it up his nostrils
He never thought
That the sustance he'd bought
Was half an ounce of curry powder
He took a snort
Which rapidly brought
A change to his complexion
So he quickly withdrew
To the gentlemen's loo
And they flushed him down

Oliver Ross
The regional boss
Came in from engineering
Trying to look slick
With some sexy young chick
He'd picked up in the sales department
He didn't know
The naughty bimbo
Was Kate the chairman's daughter
'Til her daddy came back
Just to give him the sack
What a big put down

Two silly pratts
Came over from stats.
And both as kissed as armholes
Groping around
Every girl that they found
Looking for a Christmas garter
Adrian Bragg
Was dressed up in drag
Just for the occasion
But they got a suprise
When the tickled his thighs
And his skirt fell down

Rosemary Gray
The boss's P.A.
Was dressed as Father Christmas
Slit up her skirt
And a transparent shirt
With sequins in the vital places
Rosie was caught
With Oliver Short
In the ladies rest room
Doing something obscene
On the vending machine
Hanging up-side-down

Timothy Groves
Discarded his clothes
And played his ukulele
Sat with a smile
On a cabinet file
Gently swinging to the music
Having a ball
With songs to recall
Those jolly days of Christmas
When Barbara Moore
Slammed the cabinet door
And the tears rolled down

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

Drinking Around The Christmas Tree

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

(To the Tune "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree")

Drinking around the Christmas tree
at the Christmas party rush,
Faces are hung o'er the balcony,
everybody is a lush.

Drinking around the Christmas tree,
let the Christmas drunkards through,
Later we'll do some vomiting,
and our arms will hug the loo.

You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Drinking around the Christmas tree,
your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats
in the new old-fashioned way.

(drunken sax solo.)

You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Drinking around the Christmas tree,
your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats
in the new old-fashioned way.

(Written by Patrick Lonergan)

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

How Santa Really Knows

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

(To the Tune “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”)

You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.

Santa Claus is tapping Your phone.

He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.

Santa Claus is tapping Your phone.

He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.

So--you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.

Santa Claus is tapping Your phone.

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

The Night Santa Went Crazy

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

(by Weird Al Yankovic)

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys,
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys.
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death,
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath.

From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo,
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo.
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all- now you're all gonna DIE!"

The night Santa when crazy,
The night St. Nick went insane!
Realized he'd been getting' a raw deal,
Something finally must have snapped in his brain.

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it.
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet.
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage,
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage.
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger,
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger.
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen.
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy,
The night Kris Kringle went nuts.
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts.

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News and helicopters circlin'
'round in the sky.
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin' and everyone's
dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my,
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time,
In a federal prison for his infamous crime.
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears,
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years.

But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous,
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service.
And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night,
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talking' bout - the night Santa went crazy.
The night St. Nicholas flipped.
Broke his back for some milk and cookies,
Sounds to me like he was tired of getting' gypped.

Wo, the night Santa went crazy.
The night St. Nick went insane,
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal,
Something finally must have snapped in his brain.

Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain!
Tell ya, something must have snapped... in his brain!

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

Rudolph Got Run Over By My Grandma

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

Chorus
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
Just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin'
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

She'd been listening to the radio
and she nearly lost her breath
yellin' cuss words at the DJ
for playin' that song where she gets hooved to death.

So she set out on the warpath
there was evil in her eye
she said "I'm gonna find that reindeer
and by golly, one of us is gonna die!"

Chorus
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin'
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

Santa Claus had made a landing
on the new expressway
Grandma was doin' 120
with her headlights pointed straight at Santa's sleigh.

'Twas an awful sound of impact
Grandma really nailed him good
There were hoofprints on her windshield
and a pair of ripped-off antlers on her hood

Chorus
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin'
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

Guess we'll all be missing Rudolph
in the winter when it snows
but now he's up in reindeer heaven
with a Buick logo stamped into his nose.

But there's no regret from Grandma
as she drove away, she sneered,
and then she hollered out the window
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a FLAT DEER!"

Chorus
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin'
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

Walkin’ in a Doggie Wonderland

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

(To the Tune “Winter Wonderland)

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's
mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland.

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

Oh Little Bank Americard

-- Funny Christmas Songs --

(To The Tune "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem")

Oh, little Bank Americard
You bring me Christmas Cheer
Without your clout I have no doubt
No gifts I'd give this year.
Your credit line allows me
To run up bills quite large
And when I'm through, exhausting you
I'll use my Master Charge.

(Same tune, sung in late February)

Oh, little Bank Americard
You bring me discontent
I calculate Your int'rest rate
Is over twelve percent.
Each month, your cry for payments
My letter-box bombards;
I'm one more sap, caught in your trap
Next year I'll just send cards.


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